Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Marriage is Hard

This post has been rattling around in my head for a while. I finally decided to write it because I saw SerandEz's post today on the documentary Unattached. It looks like a very depressing, if not necessarily inaccurate, portrait of Orthodox dating on the Upper West Side of New York. I lived on the UWS for a year after college, and it is still kind of traumatizing to think about.

Ironically, I am getting married later this summer and moving back to the UWS, because that is where TF's apartment is. I already strongly suspect that it will be very different from the last time, since I have been there to visit TF a few times since our engagement. I felt much more confidence as part of a couple, and it's kind of a chicken-and-egg thing, but I felt that I was treated differently.

So, the subject is marriage (or, mawwiage, if you prefer). First off, I am REALLY GLAD I am not still single. I feel very blessed.
I do want to say, though, that marriage is not easy. If this seems self-evident to you, you are probably already married, or at least engaged. I say this because I think that many singles have a romantic view of marriage. Even though I hope they all get married soon, I figured it wouldn't hurt to offer a reality check. (By the way, this is NOT about the difficulties and absurdities of wedding-planning. They exist, but who cares? They are over after the wedding).

I am in my late twenties, and TF is in his early thirties. I have been living on my own (i.e., own apartment, no roommates) for four years, and TF has been living on his own for about twice that long. We are both set in our ways and don't particularly like change. We can both be stubborn. We have to turn "his" apartment into "our" apartment. We each have to get rid of, or store, a bunch of stuff. We are still trying to figure out how we will deal with finances, although, after a fight and then a make-up, we have hammered out many of those details. It will be an ongoing process.

I love TF, and I am really looking forward to living with him, being married to him, sleeping next to him, etc. But none of that comes free. That's all I want to say.


Anonymous said...

I know you mean well since it is possible there are single people out there who have never had a relationship, but I have a hard time reading this post as anything other than condescending. Rich people still have problems, and some of their problems are different from poor people's problems, but everyone knows which they would rather be.

katrina said...

I'm sorry you thought the post was condescending, anon. I said multiple times that I would rather be almost-married that single. I don't know anyone who wouldn't. I'm just making the point that it's important for singles to know that being in a relationship is really hard. People not knowing that--such as the Orthodox singles in _Unattached__--is pat of the reason there is a rising divorced rate in the Orthodox world.